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CE - Pathetic Misinterpretation

When I do a critical hotwash of my life and begin to trace where shit went off the rails into not-so-good anti-social proclivities, one of the first things I encounter (besides the baseline chaotic terrorism and explosive abuse as far back as I can remember growing up) is isolation. I was kept physically away from others and left to my own devices on one pretense or another since I was a young kid. This trend continued and culminated in being removed from regular school and "home schooled" by my mother. One of the many problems (as if being forced into close and constant quarters with an extremely mentally ill and abusive scary ass adult wasn't my first concern) with this was that there was no schooling in reality. I was never given any work or anything to do and said schooling was just a further excuse for in-home isolation.

This condition, combined with other aggravating factors, led me to be a wee bit socially naive and underdeveloped. Specifically, when I did have social contact with someone, I had a tendency to interpret it incorrectly. I thought a mere acquaintance or someone I met in passing was a friend and I placed more value upon the relationship than it ever deserved in reality. This led to more than one pathetic instance of social confusion and misinterpretation. Even as late as my time in the military, I saw people as unconditional friends when they were simply people I worked with. Having limited exposure and experience, I habitually placed more value upon social situations than ever really existed.

Prison has, for the absolute most part, cured me of any this type of naivete. It has led me into the opposite condition of being a bit jaded and not trusting others and keeping my guard up as a general habit. Having no sense of friendship at all and seeing others correctly in this environment as those who I can share temporary alliances with when the situation demands, but who I also must have a way to literally or figuratively kill once our parallel interests diverge is just ho-hum business as usual.

Having said social confusion in my past, I recognize a very similar condition in many fellow prisoners. Some of these poor bastards meet someone from the free world (they put up a pen-pal ad or someone hooks them up with someone to write, call, e-mail, etc.) and after a period of time and contact they become inordinately emotionally dependent on their new epistolary acquaintance. They don't realize that for the most part, that writing a prisoner is just a distraction for whoever they are in contact with. It does not mean as much to them as it may to us and there are obviously much better options out there than we can ever provide. We are coming from a very diminished position and are at an extreme disadvantage in most every way in terms of an equal or normal potential relationship. As those who have nothing, we place much more value on that contact. We have literally nothing so any touch of humanity or contact is a social feast in our world of constant famine.

Not so much for our free-world contact. They have distractions and their attention can (and as far as my twenty year plus record of observation goes statistically inevitably will) wander into other much more tangible social options. We will be discarded again, regardless of any personal merit or what we can bring to any relationship. The entire sad and constantly repeated episode reminds me of the following quote:

"One persons love affair is another persons non-event" - Michael McDonald

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